Friday, August 21, 2015

Voices


This track's really old, I began writing it maybe over 15 years ago. It was only some years after my conversion experience that I was finally able to finish it. I otherwise couldn't find a way to add to or resolve the conflict it presented.

Some background here, while the lyrics speak of voices in my head, my real experience was that I was desperately afraid of hearing voices. At the time, I was on edge and afraid I would lose myself. I had these violent tendencies building up inside where I wanted to lash out at everything I hated. It all manifested itself in violent dreams where I woke up having to take an hour to dissect what just happened. Was I just dreaming? What if situations happened in real life like they did in the dreams? Would I react the same? Probably, yes. Because that's who I was.

Out of fear for those types of dreams, I was progressively losing sleep. That only compounded the issue because when I finally tried to sleep, the fear of not being able to sleep kept waking me up. I constantly would awake from a few minutes of actual sleep asking myself, "Am I finally sleeping now?" The answer was no. The fact of my asking if I was sleeping caused me to come back to a fully wakened state.

All that lack of sleep and disturbance fueled itself and I got to the point where I only feared losing my mind. I felt like it was inevitable given what I was experiencing.

I was fortunate though, God sent a message in the form of my brother's incessant preaching. I hated his preaching, but the message somehow sunk in. My issues had to do with sin. And what I was going through was tantamount to being given over to the fullness of it.

Prior to all that, I'd become convinced that morality was just something we humans make up as we go. There was no objective good, but we humans decided what was good, at our whims. Seeing things that way, I couldn't make heads or tails of practically anything.

A chief concern at the time was that someone might push me to a point where I couldn't control myself anymore. I was different from other guys I knew who liked to fight. I didn't care for fighting. Instead, if I saw anything as a threat to my life or the lives of people I cared for, I thought only of how to kill that threat. This thought was embedded deep in my mind and I knew I would act on it if the situation ever arose where someone endangered me or my loved ones. I knew this too well, because that's what my dreams were composed of and unanimously, I retaliated with severe violence in every case in those dreams.

But was that even wrong? How could it be wrong to kill a threat? But wait, how could it be wrong for someone else to be a threat to me? Why was I being a hypocrite?

That's the type of question that my brother's preaching caused me to consider. And that was the very means God used to wake me up from that contradictory state of affairs.

This piece of poetry, "Voices", represents that struggle using a slightly different experience. When God came in and changed my whole frame of mind, I wanted to bring that resolution to this track using a subtle hint at the end. Whatever demons plague us, God can overpower if we turn to Him.
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